I'm Going To Marry Kristin Davis

Okay, I'll admit it, I used to watch Sex and the City. And I'll admit to having a crush on Kristin Davis. I mean, she's a very beautiful woman. And the scene where she's trying to demonstrate to Trey that he doesn't need porn is pretty damn hot. Of course, any woman would look gorgeous when compared to Sarah Jessica Parker, but still, Kristin Davis is really hot.

And yet, Hollywood informs me that I have a chance with her. In the upcoming film The Shaggy Dog, Kristin Davis plays Tim Allen's wife. In her last film, she played David Arquette's wife.

I mean, COME ON!

There is no reasonable way that a woman who looks like that could end up with a guy like Tim Allen or David Arquette. (And don't give me any of that Courtney Cox stuff. That woman is one sandwich shy of imploding.) If guys like them could get a woman like her, then clearly I have a shot too.

Now, clearly I don't. Clearly a woman who looks like that would end up with some handsome hunk (I'd like it noted that Kyle MacLachlan is a handsome man). But for some reason, Hollywood wants unattractive losers to believe that they can get a woman like Kristin Davis. It doesn't make any sense. Well, it makes sense in that it boosts the ego of pathetic schlubs like myself. And then it makes these guys feel better about themselves, encouraging them to watch the films and television shows. (Of course, its entirely possible that this practice also contributes to celebrity stalkers, but I have no proof of that.) But it has no place in reality.

Guys, if you want to think you can get a hot woman, watch porn. At least you can feel confident that, for $1000, you can enjoy an hour of PSE in Las Vegas with your favorite actress.

TNA Musings...And Other Thoughts

Once again, I find myself watching TNA Impact! on a Saturday night. And, once again, I find myself having some critical thoughts about the product.

• With each passing week, my unrequited love for Gail Kim grows.

• Eric Young is the most entertaining thing on the show.

• That being said, I really think that making JJJ and Sting such a focus of the show is a big mistake. People don't like JJJ, and many people will change the channel to get away from him. Yet there he is, surrounded by the two beautiful ladies, the up and coming young talent, and the head booker. All for an angle involving a man who has wrestled all of one match thus far this year, and fewer than that the year before.

• Konnan's LAX needs someone besides Machete. But to be honest, I can't think of another Hispanic wrestler who would fit. It would be interesting to see Amazing Red as a heel, but I don't think it would work. An underdog heel doesn't really work.

• This punishment of Austin Aries and Roderick Strong is a big mistake. While I can understand TNA's point, yet also sympathize with Aries and Strong, I think there should be some happy medium. At this point, TNA is cutting off their nose to spite their face, denying two of the most promising young talents in their organization an opportunity to impress their fans. They are depriving Aries and Strong of a paycheck, but they are also cutting off a good angle, and taking away two of the wrestlers who help to provide a counterpoint to the WWE product. Nobody wins here.

• I hate Larry Zybysko. Seeing him on television makes me want to kill puppies, because that would be more enjoyable than watching him.

• Bullet Bob Armstrong could kick my ass.

• Kip James needs to lose a hair vs hair match.

• I can't believe Christian did a 'Bangkok' on television. That, my friends, is money. Chocolate bar money.

• Dog Soldiers is an excellent film.

• The 1976 Assault on Precinct 13 is far superior to the remake. But the remake has Drea De Matteo and Maria Bello. So, I guess, rent them both, and enjoy them for their strengths.

• But Gail Kim is still hotter than both of them.

• Where is our generation's Calculon?

• I still think the Ultimate X match between Samoa Joe, Christopher Daniels and AJ Styles is a big mistake right now. And having Larry Zybysko out there, talking about how perilous the match is just cheapens the match. Zybysko and X-Division go together like Matt Hardy and good career decisions.

• Jackie Gayda is pretty damn hot. Charlie Haas is a lucky, lucky man.
• But she's no Gail Kim.

Mania Musings

This year, I'm going to do something that I promised myself would never happen again. I'm going to miss Wrestlemania. The last time I missed Wrestlemania was Wrestlemania 19, when I foolishly chose to attend a school function for the Student Council that I had foolishly decided to become involved in. (Let that be a lesson kids, NEVER get involved in volunteer things that don't guarantee a return on your investment. Helping other people for the sake of helping other people is NEVER worth it.)

So I missed 'Mania, and then, because he is an incompetent boob, my buddy Andrew couldn't figure out how to work his VCR to copy the recording. So after he gave me two, count 'em, TWO, different tapes of TSN Curling, I knew I would have to wait to see the wrestling event of the year. So finally, in July, I was finally able to find Wrestlemania on DVD. And with that, I swore I would never miss another Wrestlemania again. And now, just a few years later, I am going to miss another 'Mania. Its like the High Holy Days have lost all meaning. (I should note at this point that my missing 'Mania is due to a class trip to check out Olympic facilities in Lake Placid and Montreal.)

And yet, despite my promise to myself, I find myself not caring. So far, according to the official WWE Wrestlemania site, the only announced match is Triple H vs John Cena for, um, whichever belt Cena has. Yawn. People are tired of seeing Triple H in championship matches, and they're crapping all over Cena's second title reign even more than his first. They're so afraid of the crowd reactions that they're keeping him off television in cities that have a history of not sticking to 'The Plan'. That's not supposed to happen with the World Champion. And what's even worse than the fact that the fans hate the champ is that this matchup will likely lead to Trips winning the belt. Not only will that suck for the simple fact that it means yet another mind numbing HHH title reign, but will also suck because the idea of a heel winning the belt at the biggest show of the year goes against what 'Mania is supposed to be...a celebration, an ending to the season, where the champion is a face, and the fans rejoice with their hero. Instead we'll have a heel (ostensibly a heel, since he'll probably get a majority of the fan support against Cena) spitting water on the fans, and in the faces of the people who follow wrestling.

Imagine how different things would be if 'The Plan' had been abandoned, and Edge had kept the title at the Royal Rumble. Then, instead of HHH winning the "tournament", have RVD win after kicking out of a pedigree. Now the main event is the fresh heel that fans are enjoying hating, and the recently returned face, who fans have tried desperately to get behind, despite the best efforts of the writing staff and the bookers. Now we have a main event that is fresh, is giving the fans what they want, and could end the biggest show of the year with a new champion, basking in the adoration of his fans.

None of the other matches that people are expecting are showing any hint of being planned with the fans in mind either. The one that comes closest is the addition of Rey Mysterio to the Angle v Orton match. Unfortunately, I have a feeling thats as far as the writers were willing to alter 'The Plan' and we'll be seeing an Orton title run beginning.

Edge v Foley does absolutely nothing for me. I'm sure Edge and Mick think it'll be great fun to have a 'Mania match, but I don't care about this match. And more importantly, I don't think it'll be very good. Foley seems to be a touch on the pudgy side. What would be better would be if Foley were to use this as a way to debut a new wrestler who will fight for him. But the "dedicated veterans" aren't going to let some punk rookie who hasn't paid his dues get a 'Mania payout when he's stuck at the Fan Festival signing autographs and shaking hands.

Money In The Bank, if it happens, should be a good match, given that it will probably consist of the actually talented wrestlers who are too good to outright release but not worth getting behind on the creative side. I see Carlito, RVD, Matt Hardy, Chavo Guerrero, Paul Burchill and Finlay in this, giving us a cross-promotional matchup.

But nothing really piques my interest. Instead, it seems like Wrestlemania this year is just another PPV, where we can rest assured that the King of Kings (and don't worry, I'll be attacking that moniker in a few days) once again assumes his rightful place atop the wrestling world, regardless of the fans and what they want. There will be no repeat of the classic ending to Wrestlemania XX, where Chris Benot and Eddie Guerrero, two longtime friends, stood together in the middle of the ring, holding aloft the belts that had been entrusted to them. There will be no Mania moment this year.

Thats what Wrestlemania is supposed to be about. Instead, this year, it appears to be about trying to make do, and doing what is necessary to force the fans to accept things that the writers, bookers and other power people want to see. So I won't feel too bad about not spending $49.95 for Wrestlemania. Instead, I'll enjoy my vacation, and, if I think it matters, I'll rent a copy of the show when it comes out on DVD.

Rubbin's Racin'

So, I'm writing a paper on NASCAR sponsorship, with a focus on controversial sponsors like alcohol and tobacco. So, with that in mind, I decided that I must immerse myself in the subject.

First stop, NASCAR.com. That website is fascinating. Probably one of the best corporate sports websites out there. It is accessible to both Nascar experts and neophytes. You can read about the history of the sport (or at least, the official history as endorsed by Nascar.) You can learn the basics, and then learn a bit more to familiarize yourself with the fastest-growing sport in North America. Plus, its the only sports website I've found with a business section, dedicated to outlining the financial aspects of NASCAR. To me, that is evidence that NASCAR is a much more corporate sport than the other major sports. If only I could get my ignorant professor to remove his sports blinders. But I digress. All the academics at my school are too ignorant to acknowledge the importance of studying sports isn't the point of this posting.

I then headed to my local Blockbuster, where I rented last years EA Sports offering, NASCAR 2005: Challenge For The Cup. With that, I began exploring the sport from a virtual perspective. I learned a few things, the most notable being that I can't drive worth a bit in a video game. So I had my roommate drive, while I made the business decisions. Thats all I really wanted anyway, to learn about the business side of the sport. Unfortunately, I discovered that owner mode is incredibly unsatisfying in the game. But, if nothing else, I was better informed about the drivers currently on the Nextel Cup circuit.

Armed with my new knowledge, I then proceeded to do what any person determined to master a new sport does. I signed up for Fantasy Nascar. I figured that this would give me a reason to become emotionally invested in the sport, by giving me certain racers to root for. Much like the other major sports, Nascar's fantasy sports section offers a number of different options, some of which involve paying money, but offer the opportunity to win more money. Being a poor student, I chose to go with the non-paying options.

Their Ultimate Fantasy League takes an interesting approach. They give you $100, and you have 24 hours to bid on 4 racers to compose your team. You and five other team owners all try to put together the best team you can, while not paying so much for one particular driver that you can't get three other good drivers to round out your team.

From there, I headed to the Weldon library to pick up some books for my paper. Right now, I'm working my way through Fixin' to Git by Jim Wright. Its a good book that takes an academic approach to the sport, while at the same time being written by an unabashed fan of NASCAR. Not only is it an enjoyable, informative read, but it also gives me hope that it is possible to write about sports, and to enjoy sports in an academic environment.

With my team in place, a fundamental knowledge of the basics, and a free afternoon, I sat down yesterday to watch the Daytona 500, the first race of the Nextel Cup season.

You know what?

It wasn't bad. It wasn't NFL action, but with my understanding of the intricacies of racing, I followed things rather well and got into it. The announcers were really good, giving viewers who may not know every detail about racing a good understanding of what they were seeing, while not being so basic that fans try to jab their eardrums out with a Q-tip. Or at least, I found their commentary to be good. They were certainly more enjoyable than Coach, or even Bob Cole and Harry Neale. Or just about any NFL commentator pairing.

I saw the leads change, I saw crashes and cautions, I saw drafting and pits. And I had fun. For me, the coolest part was the Doppler effect as the cars whipped past the cameras. Those boys are going damn fast.

It was an interesting experience, and one that I may have to repeat again sometime.

And oh yeah, my Ultimate Fantasy League team? Jimmie Johnson, Ryan Newman and Joe Nemechek, with Bobby Labonte on the bench. Thats right, the top two point getters for the day. Well, Newman finished third, but got a 5 point bonus to tie Casey Mears with 170. Needless to say, I won, even though my opponent had Tony Stewart. Either I'm more knowledgeable than I deserve to be, or I really lucked out.

I think Imma git me one a these.

From One Night Stand To Prostitution

Last night, Paul Heyman and Taz (there is no second Z!) announced that, this June, New York would play host to another ECW-branded WWE PPV. Last year's ECW PPV, One Night Stand, is considered one of 2005's finest PPVs, capturing much of the spirit of ECW, although the event was marred heavily by the presence of people like JBL, Eric Bischoff, Kurt Angle and Coach. People who had no business associating themselves with ECW's legacy, but were all shoved in there in order to give WWE an excuse if the PPV did well, and to give their WWE superstars a PPV payday.

But by all accounts, the PPV was a success (I know I enjoyed it) and, when combined with Hardcore Homecoming and the two ECW documentaries, The Rise and Fall of ECW and Forever Hardcore, fans of ECW, both new and old, were given something that doesn't come along very often...closure.

But now it appears that WWE is going to try to capture lightning in a bottle one more time. In the words of the immortal Han Solo, "I've got a bad feeling about this."

I mean, lets take a look at the lineup from the last One Night Stand.

Lance Storm (with Dawn Marie) vs. Chris Jericho

Storm has retired to Calgary [dramatic pause] Alberta Canada, and while he will be appearing on a ROH show, seems to be happy in retirement, or at least, happy to not be stuck working WWE style any longer. They may be able to get him on the show, but it may require giving him a match HE wants (Storm v Benoit anyone?).

Dawn Marie, a very pregnant Dawn Marie, was released by WWE in one of the most controversial moves of 2005. I believe she currently has legal action pending with WWE, and I doubt she would want anything to do with this show.

Jericho has also broken free from the bonds of WWE, and is apparently pursuing a non-WWE career. Like Storm, he may be persuaded to return, but it would take offering him something HE wants. (Jericho v Storm v Benoit 3way dance anyone?)

A three way dance: The Insane Luchador Super Crazy vs. Tajiri (with Sinister Minister & Mikey Whipwreck) vs. Little Guido (with Big Guido, JT Smith, Tony Mamaluke & Tracy Smothers)

Super Crazy is currently under WWE contract, and is enjoying the wonderful world of Velocity. I'm sure he'd kill for some PPV money.

Tajiri requested, and received, his WWE release. From what I understand, the parting wasn't bitter, and he could be persuaded to come back.

Sinister Minister James Mitchell is a major player in TNA, and there is no way they'd let the best mouthpiece in the business appear on a WWE PPV out of the goodness of their hearts.

Mikey Whipwreck is...somewhere. He's probably game for another PPV.

Little Guido is still Nunzio, and is still stuck in WWE Velocity purgatory, putting on good matches only viewable on the Internet.

Big Guido is with him.The rest of the FBI is out there somewhere.

Extreme luchador action: Rey Mysterio vs. Psychosis

Rey Mysterio is about to lose his Wrestlemania title shot this evening.

Psychosis is stuck with Super Crazy and Little Guido on Velocity, putting on great matches that nobody watches.

The problem with this match is that it was heavily booed by the ECW fans at ONS. Maybe they could use the opportunity to redeem themselves, but just doing this match again may not placate the fans.

Rhyno vs. Sabu

Rhyno is now a major player in TNA. His appearance is incredibly unlikely.

Sabu is also in TNA, although he hasn't been used much since his incredible barbed wire match with Abyss. I'd also put him in the highly unlikely category.
Eddie Guerrero vs Chris Benoit

Eddie is gone. God, I miss him.

Benoit is still in WWE, and he would probably love an evening to remind us that he's one of the best damn wrestlers in the world today.

Mike Awesome vs. Masato Tanaka

Mike Awesome is somewhere.

Masato Tanaka is in Japan.

But are they going to try to top last year's match of the night? This is the exact opposite of Rey/Psychosis. Their match at ONS was awesome, and redeemed Awesome in the eyes of many. If he comes back, it could ruin all that.

Tommy Dreamer & The Sandman vs Bubba & D-Von Dudley

Tommy Dreamer is working backstage for WWE (and I think in OVW). I'm sure he'd be up for a match.

The Sandman, from what I understand, doesn't need the money, and would need to be persuaded.

Bubba & D-Von were treated quite shabbily in being released by WWE, and are now making their mark on TNA. I'd say their appearance is the least likely of all.

To this list, you can probably add RVD, who is about to be buried on Monday night at the hands of HHH. And Taz, who never really got a goodbye match. Kid Kash is also in WWE Cruiserweight purgatory. I believe Doring and Roadkill are also under WWE contract in OVW, and I'm sure Axl Rotten and Balls Mahoney would come back as well. Nova and Stevie Richards are also under WWE contract, although you wouldn't know it if you watched their shows.

The problem is that RVD, whose ONS promo was incredible, needs an opportunity to show why he is the Whole Fucking Show. And he needs Jerry Lynn for that. And Jerry Lynn is in TNA.

Taz needs Sabu to put a cap on one of the greatest rivalries of all time. And I don't see that happening.

Doring and Roadkill never really had any ECW rivalries, and are more associated with the last days of the promotion, as opposed to its heyday. The same holds true for Kid Kash.

So the amount of ECW talent under WWE contract has decreased, and most of the names that people would want to see aren't there. That, added to the fact that many of the big ECW names, like Raven, Shane Douglas, and Terry Funk are still either unavailable to WWE or completely uninterested in doing WWE business, means that this next WWECW PPV will be weaker than last year.

Plus, there's still the Blue Meanie/JBL unpleasantness hanging over the head of ONS, which may sour some people on doing business with WWE, given the way in which the situation was handled by WWE.

Finally, WWE has also become a big bully, trying to take away established identities, such as the theft of the name Dudley from the now named Team 3-D, and the theft of the name Justin Credible, is showing WWE's meaner side that isn't exactly earning them any love with independent wrestlers trying to make a living without the WWE machine on their side.

This next ECW PPV isn't going to recapture the magic of last year. But it is indicative of the WWE mindset right now. Something worked in the past, so lets keep trying it until it fails. And even then, if it fails, its because the talent didn't do their job properly, or because the fans didn't 'get it', not because the promoter or the creative team aren't doing their job.

If they really want to put on a Paul Heyman PPV, give Ohio Valley Wrestling a PPV. Call it "Future Legends" or something like that, and let the fans see the future of the industry before Stephanie and her writers have the chance to destroy any credibility they may have had. Word is, Paul Heyman's OVW is the highlight of the WWE when it comes to storylines, psychology and fan reaction. So why not give these kids, who are working for very little money, a chance at the big time, without the WWE restrictions, politics and other nonsense.

The problem with this idea is that it would require admitting that Paul Heyman knows what he's doing better than Nipple H and Vince. And thats running completely contrary to the whole reason for ONS, which was to make money for Vince, but also to prove that ECW needs WWE to truly succeed.

Decisions, Decisions

Once again, there are a whole bunch of DVDs I need to buy, or will need to buy in upcoming weeks. In no particular order:

ECW Bloodsport - I discuss this later. So read the rest, then think back to this near the end of this post.

20 Years Too Soon - The Superstar Billy Graham Story - I've seen some teaser stuff, and read Burgan's review on the Observer site. Damn, this looks good.

Best of Christopher Daniels: Heaven Sent, Hell Bound - Seriously, do I need to explain why I need this?

The Richard Pryor Show - My desert island CDs include Pryor and Lenny Bruce. Now we need a box set of Pryor's and Wilder's movies.

Action: The Complete Series - This show was brilliant. Buddy Hackett was hilarious, and it ripped on Hollywood better than Last Action Hero ever dreamed, and was more accessible than The Player.

Grosse Pointe: The Complete Series - I think I'm the only person who watched this show. But it had Irene Molloy. Plus, it was actually pretty funny.

Plus, WWE.com has listed these upcoming DVDs:

Austin vs. McMahon: The Definitive Collection - I'm skeptical. Sounds like Vince really wants to recapture the glory days. Maybe Vince will watch the DVD and remember that Austin became a star because he connected with the fans, and plans were changed to take advantage of this. But it could be nice to enjoy what we, the fans, had back then, in the days before the McMahon-Helmsley era began.

Brian Pillman: Loose Cannon - This should be awesome. But they need to focus on what Pillman could do IN the ring, and not just his wacky antics. But I've gotta say, I really hope the gun thing is in there.

Hulk Hogan: The Ultimate Anthology - This is supposed to be a 4-discer. That'll show all those people who bought the 2-disc set a few years ago. The question is who will the Hulkster wrestle when he makes his return to promote this?

Born to Controversy: The Roddy Piper Story - So long as Piper is involved, it should be good. It'll be like the Jake Roberts DVD, where the matches are secondary. (But still better than half the stuff we're offered today.)

The Spectacular Legacy of the AWA - Please, oh please, oh please, let it involve the AWA Team Challenge Series and the "Great American Turkey Hunt."

John Cena: The Time is Now - The time actually IS now, because once HHH is done with him, Cena won't have any credibility left.

The World's Greatest Wrestling Managers - Is it irony when a company which has done their best to kill the tradition of the wrestling manager now capitalizes on the nostalgia of the fans to promote a DVD showcasing how vital wrestling managers once were, and what we're missing by not having them around today?

The American Dream: The Dusty Rhodes Story - Are we gonna find out what was in the envelope?

WWE Divas Do New York - Alas, my name isn't New York.

ECW Blood Sport: The Most Violent Matches -- Volume II - I like the idea behind this. But it also shows that Vince and Co. still don't quite get what ECW was, and what it still means to people. ECW wasn't JUST about violence. Oh, violence was part of it. But it wasn't the only part of it. But I guess its just easier to say that it was all about the violence. It saves them from thinking about what they didn't do then, and what they're not doing now.

Oh well, I guess I need to choose between tuition and these DVDs. I think I'll enjoy the DVDs more.

Randomblings

After a number of entirely too thinky posts about pro wrestling, I think I'm just going to to offer some random ramblings. Or, randomblings. Yes, the name is stupid, but its late, and I'm not feeling particularly creative. Most of these will be inspired by TNA Impact, which I am watching as I type.

Shannon Moore.

I've never been a huge Shannon Moore fan. This isn't a slight on his talent or anything, its just that he's always been a secondary character. From 3-Count, to Matt's M-F'er, Moore has never been a bigtime player. Particularly because there are guys who do the follower thing so much better. (Eric Young, I'm looking at you.) And I think its cool that he's trying to prove his place as a top guy.

But seriously, the "Prince of Punk?" Thats your gimmick? And this is how you look?

Dude, you look like a moron. Good Charlotte is more punk than you. Hell, Hillary Duff is more punk than you. I admire the thought of establishing an identity for yourself that doesn't require Shane Helms or Matt Hardy, but this isn't it.

Gail Kim is really hot.

I am loving this Samoa Joe/AJ Styles/Christopher Daniels stuff. That being said, I think having an Ultimate X Match at the next PPV is a genuinely bad idea. They are making it very clear that these three are the best of the X-Division, and everyone else is just a pretender. Instead, this feud should be put on a slow simmer for a while. At the next PPV, have AJ face the aforementioned Shannon Moore in a blowoff to their little mini-feud. Have Daniels face someone like Sabin, Bentley or Petey Williams. And have Joe defend against Sonjay Dutt. The most important thing that Joe (and a number of other X-Division wrestlers) has shown, is that just because one guy wins, it doesn't mean that the defeated wrestler has to be devalued.

This would allow some other X-Division wrestlers to be elevated, and would allow the Joe/AJ/Daniels feud to evolve at a better rate and not get burned out. Plus, it could allow them to keep the feud going for the big primetime debut on Spike.

I want Larry Zybysko off my television set. NOW. How does being married to Verne Gagne's daughter get you a job now?

Seriously, look at her. She's freaking gorgeous.

The Movie Network broadcasts porn in HD. Really, who needs HD porn?