Camo Is The New Pink...Or Is That Black?

So a couple of weeks ago, I bought myself a new hat. I love hats. I started wearing hats in high school, and my years of hat abuse led to premature baldness. So now I wear hats to cover my increasing peninsula of hair. Its a vicious cycle.

But this new hat is pretty sweet. Check it out. Its officially listed as a "Boston Red Sox Woodland Camo Clean Up Adjustable Cap" on the shop.mlb.com site. Its probably one of the most comfortable caps I've ever had, and the brim is already nice and broken in. Good stuff.

But I've noticed that camo hats are the new thing. Nascar has Camo Hats available, although they offer an interesting take on the style. As opposed to the MLB camo hats which are available in woodland and desert camo, Nascar's hats are in the colours of the driver's car. So Tony Stewart's camo hat features orange and black, while Clint Bowyer's is in black and white. There are also NFL, NBA and NHL camo hats all out there, if you want to find one.

This is important because it says something about the ways in which the militaristic aspects of dominant society are reinforced. I wasn't seeing these hats a few years ago. This isn't to say that they weren't available, simply that I wasn't seeing them. But now the MLB and Nascar hats are featured prominently on their shopping websites. Why? Because they help people identify with the military.

By featuring and promoting these styles, people are encouraged to make a personal connection with the military, an important tactic in times of war. Just as WWII propaganda encouraged people to do their part on the homefront through fear and appeals to patriotism, these hats are attempting to build support for the war currently being fought. Not just support for the soldiers in that 'Please don't get all blowed up" kinda way, but encouraging people to make an emotional connection to the actual military action. Wearing camo says, "I wish I could be over there with you, but since I can't/won't, I'll make sure people know that I wish that." They won't actually enlist, because that's for poor people, but they'll say they support the troops and the war, defending "America's" "freedoms" from its "enemies".

In wearing these hats, people are aligning themselves with the military. They are identifying themselves as members of the military community, whether or not they actually are. As more people self-identify in this way, it will appear that more and more people support the war. In much the same way that American flags were used post-9/11 to identify people as supporting "America", these hats are making an implicit connection to the military identity.

As public support for the war continues to wane, and George W. Bush and his henchpeople continue to be revealed as the people they truly are, I think there will be an increase in this military identification. Camo will be back in style like meshbacks were a few years ago. Of course, it will be done in a way that makes camo less a 'war' thing, and more of a style thing, but the message will remain the same. I expect to see more camo pattern shirts, and other clothing items for men and women, as well as accessories such as purses and whatnot for the ladies.

And why do I wear the hat, given that this is how I feel about camo patterns in this post-9/11 wasteland of the spectacular? I like generating controversy and discussion. I like the camp value of wearing such a hat. I like irony. Plus, its a really comfy hat.

2 Hours of Wrestling...Well, 2 Hours of Wrestling PROGRAMMING

SNME. Alas, the theme song was not Animotion's "My Obsession", a portent of a lack of quality Saturday night wrestling. Instead, we got that "Here Comes the Boom" song by [insert generic rock band name here]. We were also treated to some promos from Vince & Shane, Shawn, HHH & Cena, JBL and the Boogeyman. The Boogeyman was the most entertaining, but only because he's so over-the-top ridiculous. The worms are freaky, but I think that just makes the guy totally method.

I've gotta say, for the first half or so of the show, it was great to hear JR's voice again. Then his voice started doing that half-tone higher thing, and I wanted to hear Joey Styles again. If they would just let Styles go out there with a decent colour guy, he would be awesome. But then again, thats not what Vince wants. He wants a trained monkey who will repeat his verbal diarrhea on the air. JR got tired of being that guy, and Joey Styles isn't that guy. But the fans crap all over the guys like Coach and Todd Grisham who do excel at that. Does that tell you something Vince? The guys who DON'T fit your idea of a good announcer are embraced by the fans, and the guys who excel at announcing in YOUR way are rejected like a mismatched organ transplant. Hmmm, I think there's a lesson there.

The Raw/Smackdown main event was first, which was surprising. From the moment this match was announced, there was something that bothered me. As I watched, it finally dawned on me. There was no justification for the match. From a storyline perspective, the match helped to add to the rivalry and tension between the partners/soon to be foes. But why did Raw & Smackdown want to beat the other side? All there was was Vince's decision that the two teams fight. There was nothing at stake, no reason for the wrestlers, and by extension the fans, to care. Tazz and Lawler tried to play it off like they were fighting for the honour of their brand, but thats even weaker than saying that Olympic hockey players are somehow representing their nation as a whole.

This match needed some reason for it to exist. Vince should have declared that the winning team would have their match be the main event at Mania, and, therefore, would give them prestige and a bigger cut of the purse. This would provide some explanation as to why these guys would even bother trying. Then, when HHH turned on Cena, it could be an example that all he cares about is winning the title, and factors like card position and purse money are secondary. But I guess that makes too much sense.

The match did, once again, try to make the fans love Cena and hate HHH. By having Cena refuse to take advantage of Rey, Cena was supposed to come across as an honourable man, determined to win cleanly, and not stoop to HHH's level. Which makes sense. Except that he's supposed to be a THUG! His whole gimmick is predicated on him being all street and tough. A thug WOULD take advantage of Rey. A white-bread suburban babyface would not, because he still believes in the power of prayer, training and vitamins. Guess which one Cena is? Guess which one the fans hate?

As for the Smackdown guys, they were an afterthought. We know they don't trust Orton, but they needed to tease some Rey/Angle mistrust to add that dimension to the match. But that would have required the writing staff to think about two different storylines in the same match, and that kind of thing could very well kill them. Or at least cause premature labour.

My final note about this match is what a mistake it was to start off with Cena & Orton. These two guys are, in theory, the future of the company. (And think of the parallels of how both of their rises to power have been horribly botched.) Their meeting should have been played up as a big thing, and even if it had to happen in the match, the commentators should have made a bigger deal of it, rather than starting with the two of them in their at the beginning.

The rest of the show was pretty formulaic. Booker T and Sharmell continue to entertain, and the best was Booker T realizing that there was a camera in his face, and going back to grimacing in pain when leaving Teddy's office. He's gold Jerry! We didn't get to enjoy the technical masterpiece that Booker v Boogeyman promises to be, but all you people who get to see 'Mania can tell me how great it was.

The Edge Foley thing happened. Lita's breasts were the highlight of the segment. I swear, those things are hypnotic. But just a hint Leets? Cut down on the lipstick and eyeshadow. I guess the segment built up the match, but I still don't care. It doesn't help that Foley is being punished for calling Vince on something, but still, Edge should be in a real match. Well, he SHOULD be in the main event against RVD, but barring that, he should be in a match that means something.

JBL was in full cheap heat mode, and I'm pretty sure Austin was drunk. It was really innovative when he drank the beer and then gave JBL a stunner. I'm still trying to figure out why people want this guy to come back, or why they care when he does. I had managed to forget just how annoying What?! was, and then they had to remind me.

Mickie turned on Trish?! Shocking! I mean, I can appreciate that they built up this thing for so long, but I found the turn to be really unsatisfying. It was certainly no Orndorff turning on Hogan. Although Mickie's "Do you love me now Trish?" was really good. I like that they're keeping the creepy stalker thing, and not toning it down to one of those lame, "Trish didn't respect me" kind of thing. I think Mickie should keep trying to force Trish to love her, and if she has to beat her down and take her title, thats what she'll do.

The Undertaker thing, like so much involving either the Undertaker or Mark Henry, was a complete waste of time. When the Undertaker was coming down to the ring, he wasn't doing it that way for dramatic effect. That was him running.

The street fight was better than I expected, until the end. I guess NBC did make some demands regarding bloodshed, so they had to come up with other means of creating shock and awe. Almost killing Shane and Shawn with that ladder/suplex/table spot was one way. Shane's missed Van Terminator was another. (And was I on crack, or did JR actually call it a Van Terminator?) As much as I hate the man (and I plan on writing a lengthy diatribe on just WHY I hate Shawn Michaels in the next little while) I must admit that Michaels is half decent in the ring. It was a pretty good street fight. Until the end.

Vince, I say this with the utmost respect. GET OVER IT!!! Montreal was almost nine years ago. Stop reliving it. And more importantly, stop forcing us to relive it. It is lame. It is weak. It demonstrates that you, and your writing staff, are incapable of coming up with an original ending. I'm sure you want us to believe that, because Bret is coming to Chicago for the induction ceremony, that he'll appear at 'Mania to interfere in your match. But he won't. If he does, I'll order the replay. But you already played the Bret hand for Summerslam, and when we called, you had nothing. So the same bluff isn't going to work this time. The more you remind people of Montreal, the more you remind us that your programming hasn't evolved in almost a decade. Is that really the message you want to send?

I can't wait to see the ratings on Monday. More importantly, I'm interested to see how the ratings went as the show progressed. Did a lot of people tune in, and then change to something better, like NCAA Basketball or The Sixth Sense? Or did the show actually manage to capture people's interest? I doubt it was the latter, but we'll have to wait and see. Of course, even if the show manages a decent number, it still won't matter. Because after all, if 5 million people watched the show, they're 5 million people who would watch wrestling. And who wants to attract that kind of demographic?

But Will Animotion Still Provide The Theme Song?

Tonight should prove interesting in the wrestling world, as Saturday Night's Main Event makes its long-awaited return to television. Okay, long-awaited is probably a bit of a stretch. Perhaps, 'hardly noticed its absence' would be a better phrase.

Back in the day, SNME was the shit. Kids would get to stay up late to watch it, and instead of watching Hulk Hogan stomp Iron Mike Sharpe like a cockaroch, we were treated to great matchups of relatively equal superstars. The point of SNME, of course, was to create interest for PPVs/Supercards, but they presented big-time matchups on free tv, back when free tv was home to what are now affectionately referred to as 'jobbers'.

Of course today, free tv is home to big-time matchups on a weekly basis, and jobbers have gone the way of the steam engine and a strong Democratic party. Giving away big-time matchups reached the point of absurdity during the Monday Night Wars, with WCW giving away Hogan v Goldberg on television, rather than use that match to sell PPVs. Thankfully this has been reined in somewhat, with wrestling companies again realizing that selling the big money cards means saving the big money matches.

Despite this evolution, professional wrestling, much like an abused and neglected child, still desperately seeks the validation and acceptance of mainstream television, their overly judgemental father. And with that in mind, SNME returns to NBC, in prime-time no less, as WWE continues to stagger drunkenly down the road to Wrestlemania.

Tonight's card offers:

*HHH & John Cena vs. Rey Mysterio & Randy Orton & Kurt Angle

*Shawn Michaels vs. Shane McMahon in a street fight

*Mark Henry calling out the Undertaker

*JBL and Stone Cold in a beer drinking contest

*Boogeyman vs. Booker T

*Trish Stratus & Mickie James vs. Victoria & Candice Michelle

*Mick Foley on 'The Cutting Edge'

In other words, a pretty weak card. No Hogan v. Orndorff in a steel cage. No British Bulldogs v. Hart Foundation. In fact, it almost seems like nobody saw this card as an opportunity to showcase WWE to a wider audience by presenting a high-quality card. Instead, this version of SNME is more like a really lame Raw/Smackdown hybrid, with no matches guaranteed to blow away the crowd. The street fight is probably going to be the most disappointing, given that NBC will likely place some serious restrictions on the level of violence and bloodshed. Booker T v Boogeyman will probably really freak out anyone not familiar with the depths to which wrestling has sunk.

The best WWE can hope for with this mediocre offering is that basketball fans will surf over during commercials/halftime and be somewhat interested in what they're seeing. But this card will not draw in new fans. They'll be lucky if they don't drive away more old ones.

The other interesting part of this is that TNA's Impact! is on at 11 o'clock, like it is every Saturday. I can almost, almost, see their number going up as a result of SNME. Basketball fans do some channel surfing during the game, and see that wrestling is on. When the game ends, they do some more surfing, to see if anymore of that 'rasslin is on. They come across TNA. And hopefully, hopefully, they stop to watch. If they do, they'll be presented with this card.

*Matt Bentley vs. Sonjay Dutt vs. Elix Skipper

*Abyss vs. Cassidy Riley

*Homicide & Machete vs. Norman Smiley & Shark Boy

*A.J. Styles & Christopher Daniels & Rhino & Ron Killings vs. Chris Harris & James Storm & Shannon Moore (Moore has since signed with WWE...good riddance to bad rubbish) & Alex Shelley

And that is a half-decent card. The bookend matches have the potential to be awesome, and the ones in the middle should provide some decent entertainment. So long as the rest of the show isn't just more of the JJJ show, it should be good. Hopefully TNA will be able to capitalize on the, albeit minimal, buzz about professional wrestling that SNME is creating, and boost their own brand image.

Papa Don't Pay

I can't wait to see where this story goes. This is actually something that I've believed in for a number of years. My approach is that a man, upon learning that a woman has become impregnated with his child (and she has proven that its his child), the man should be able to sign a legal document that precludes him from ever contacting the child or making any claims on the child (including any contacting the child for medical assistance, ie organs) and the man has no legal obligation to support the child financially.

While I am aware that this case will likely lose, I am pleased that it is being addressed. Men are often afterthoughts in the reproductive process, reduced to simply being a source of revenue. This needs to change, and men need to be afforded some input into the reproductive process, beyond the initial deposit.

Suck On My Chocolate Salty Balls

So evidently Isaac Hayes has decided that the satirical nature of South Park is an offensive thing, particularly when it comes to the satirization of religion.

Hayes, who voiced SP mainstay Chef, has quit the show, claiming that "There is a place in this world for satire, but there is a time when satire ends and intolerance and bigotry toward religious beliefs ... begins."

Oddly enough, this epiphany of religious tolerance didn't arise until SP took Hayes' religion, Scientology, to task in an episode that not only lampooned prominent Scientologists Tom Cruise and John Travolta, but also revealed a number of Scientology's core beliefs, as prophesized (?) by L. Ron Hubbard. (The episode was, like so many SP episodes, absolutely brilliant.)

Matt Stone made the same observation regarding Hayes' attack of tolerancitis, saying "In ten years and over 150 episodes of 'South Park,' Isaac never had a problem with the show making fun of Christians, Muslim, Mormons or Jews...He got a sudden case of religious sensitivity when it was his religion featured on the show." Nevertheless, Stone and co-conspirator Trey Parker released Hayes from his contract, and it appears that someone else will be providing Stan, Kyle, Cartman and Kenny with mashed potatoes and cream corn.

I actually don't think this is a bad thing. Chef was becoming a one-trick pony, and had been pretty much played out. (Really, this happened after Chef Aid.) So I won't be too upset with the loss of the nation's most virile lunchroom worker. Besides, they can just replace him with a skinny, white insurance salesman.

Pros Vs Joes

So Spike TV's latest 'reality' offering is Pros vs Joes, a show which features "ordinary Joes" taking on retired "Pro" athletes. Of course, some of these 'Pros' compete in sports without any professional leagues, but I guess 'Pros' rolls off the tongue better than 'Highly Trained Elite Level Competitors'. So I'll forgive them.

I've watched the first two episodes, and they've been fun. Not only because Jennie Finch is quite possibly the hottest woman who isn't Gail Kim, but simply because these 'Pros' can GO! But I think the best part of the show is watching these mouthy, egomaniacal, self-involved, delusional idiots called the 'Joes' get their asses handed to them. Look, I love trash talking. Particularly when its funny, and not simply mean. But the whole point about trash talk is the ability to back it up. If I go to a Raptor game and call a guy out, I look like an idiot, because there is no way in the world I can back it up. But if I call out a guy in the classroom on a theoretical interpretation, I've got a good chance of holding my own. I need to stay in my element.

But the guys on this show...they need to learn to keep their mouths shut. Don't go saying you're on the same level as Jerry Rice or Dennis Rodman, because you're not. I know you're not, you know you're not, and Jerry damn well knows you're not. I don't care if he's retired, every time is Jerry Time. Don't talk about how you can cover him, you can't. Just like you can't D-Up Muggsy or outhit Bo. Just be happy that you're getting a chance to play with the big boys and be happy. Most guys will never have that opportunity

And, yes, I am fully aware that much of what these guys say is being done within the 'reality' tv paradigm, which requires hyperbole, and this kind of empty-headed boasting to give the producers what they want. But damn, you guys look like idiots when it comes out in the end.

The worst guys are the Hank Hill/Ed Bundy types, who seem to be living in their past high school glory, still hanging on to the belief that, if they had been given the opportunity, they could have been superstars. But their knee gave out. Or their coach didn't play them enough at State. Or the scout came to the wrong game. Or their offensive line broke down. Or whatever. Just "boring stories of glory days". You're not a superstar because you weren't good enough. Shut up. To quote Christopher Titus, "It's time to get down off the cross, take the wood, make a bridge, and get over it."

I love watching the mouthy guys get punked out. It makes me laugh.

Of course, with all that being said, I've gotta ask the producers. ROMO!!! You've got a show where you want mouthy guys to trash talk former pro athletes and then compete against them, and one of the guys you bring in is Bill Romanowski? The helmet-swinging, prescription pill stealing ROMO?! Granted, he was pretty funny on the episode I saw, but man, that guy is a freaking powder keg. He's more volatile than a Middle Eastern peace conference. Do you really want to taunt the bear? Man, why not just bring in one of the Steiner Brothers. Or better yet, Bob Holly, and have the players try to outdrive good old Sparky Plugg? If Romo is on subsequent episodes, things could get ugly. And I mean Sarah Jessica Parker ugly. But I'll keep watching. I'm sick like that.

I Never Thought I'd Say This, But...

Thank you WWE.

No, seriously. Today, WWE re-signed Shannon Moore, who I guess TNA had neglected to sign to a contract. Thank you WWE. Because now I no longer have to put up with the taint that is Shannon Moore when I watch TNA Impact! And even better, because Moore is a cruiserweight, he'll quickly be banished to Velocity, which I hardly ever watch. So I may never have to endure seeing the Prince of Punk again.

Thank you WWE.

Now can you sign Jeff Jarrett as well?

The Road To Wrestlemania Is Fraught With Troubles

With each passing day, the fact that I will be missing Wrestlemania is less and less of a problem for me. Not simply because the matches aren't very appealing, but because the buildup is about as appealing as the thought of Sarah Jessica Parker. Thats it, no scenario. Just the thought of Sarah Jessica Parker.

I kid, I kid. I'm sure Matthew Broderick is a very happy man.

Anyway, back to Wrestlemania.

The buildup for 'Mania has been less than ideal this year. HHH/Cena would be a good buildup, if Cena were the chasing face and HHH were the champion heel. As it is, Cena has been put in a position of weakness from the beginning, and the fact that he is losing fanbase faster than I'm losing hair isn't helping matters.

The Rey/Angle/Orton match was handled poorly from the beginning, and while they seem to have taken a less offensive approach in recent weeks, the fact remains that this match doesn't seem very compelling, and probably won't be very good. Too much emphasis has been placed on non-important players in this buildup, including the Undertaker and Mark Henry, who, despite having their own match, are, for some reason, focal points to the buildup for the Smackdown main event. They should be focusing on building tension between Kurt and Rey, while trying to deal with the ego and threat of Orton. Instead Rey and Kurt are tagging up and Orton is attacking John Cena on Raw.

The most absurd is the upcoming match on the regenesis of Saturday Night's Main Event this week, which will see the three participants from the Smackdown main event take on the two participants from the Raw main event. Somehow, this matchup is supposed to not only encourage us to stay in on Saturday night, but then to buy Wrestlemania as well. Instead, it does neither. I know that the five participants won't get along, and instead of this offering me the prospect of a good match, I know that I'm going to see infighting and some kind of backstabbing. That stuff works when its a SURPRISE, not a foregone conclusion.

The undercard is equally unappealing.

Undertaker/Mark Henry, despite the ever entertaining Casket gimmick will be incredibly dull. An overpaid, plodding locker room liability versus an Olympic washout. They need the casket gimmick to pull people in to the match, because a one-on-one matchup holds absolutely no promise. But the casket match is as lame as Taker himself.

Money In The Bank had potential. But then they put Ric Flair in the match. This past week, my respect for Flair dropped to an all-time low. As Flair provided commentary for the IC Title match, Flair came across as a bitter, egomaniacal, self-involved, intolerant, pathetic old man. But I've read his book, so maybe he wasn't playing a character. I'm waiting to see who Smackdown adds, but Flair adds nothing to this match.

Edge v Foley bores me. I love Foley. He's an icon. He has done more to promote the idea that wrestlers, and wrestling fans, are not necessarily uneducated, inbred morons. And Edge is the best heel on Raw right now. But this match seems like a booby prize, and I'm not just talking Lita.

Chris Benoit vs JBL should actually be okay. And whats really strange is that the buildup has been fairly welldone. Benoit injured JBL's hand, JBL wants revenge, Benoit wants to prove he's tougher. Despite the whole Steve Austin thing, I think this match should be bearable.

Carlito & Chris Masters vs Big Show & Kane should not be taking place. Carlito should be in the Money in the Bank match. I do not want to see this match. I would rather watch Sarah Jessica Parker pose for headshots.

And finally, the real main event, Mr. McMahon versus Shawn Michaels. This match will not be good. Despite Shawn's darling status (and not matter how much other people like his abilities, I would be willing to give up ever seeing another Shawn Michaels' match if it meant he went away, never to return) I don't think he can make this an entertaining match. But even worse has been the buildup. This past Monday saw Vince McMahon turn the impending "Wellness Program" into an angle. In doing so, Vince made light of the actual substance abuse problems being faced by his 'independent contractors' that this program is supposed to help alleviate. He made light of Eddie Guerrero's death and the impact it had on people. Shane and Vince even openly mocked drug abuse on the air. And it was all done for the lame payoff of Vince and Shane being showered in apple juice being passed off as urine. This doesn't sell WWE PPVs. This sells TNA PPVs. Once people find out that TNA doesn't feature false urine testing and the mocking of serious social problems, I think they're going to find their numbers increasing, particularly with their move to prime-time. But I'll expand on that later.

Wrestlemania XXII may very well go down as the worst Wrestlemania ever. The only good thing that can come from this (apart from a career ending injury to either Flair, Michaels or both) is an awakening in the WWE power structure that they've lost touch with reality, their fans and the concept of entertainment.